"...the only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it and join the dance..." -- Alan Wilson Watts

Hooboy. Talk about changes. From our most recent medical issues to seriously anticipating a physical move, the last half of this year looks like it's gonna be, um, unpredictable.

 I've pretty much made a pretty good life out of mostly self-chosen unpredictability. I've lived in seven states, on all three US coasts, had two wives, owned four businesses and had at least three careers. Nearly all of these have been choices, though I could done without a hurricane destroying a business in 2005. But even then, I'm the one who opted to change it instead of simply rebuilding. "Looky what we got over here..."

 I'm at the stage of life, however, where physical maladies are taking a huge toll on what I can do and how I do it, if I can still do them at all. But I figure even as frustrating as things can get, these kinds of changes still need to be embraced. I know it sounds incongruent for a lifelong drinker like me to say meet things with a clear head. But I'm not talking about sobriety. I'm talking more about finding and maintaining flexibility. Of course you have to roll with some punches but you also have to throw some of your own. 

 Age and disease reduce this ability less than so many think. We're both dealing with major physical ailments and lately we've had to take turns dealing with them. But we're still getting stuff done. Some folks argue this is generational, that for various reasons any generation somehow isn't as equipped to handle life as the ones before it. I think that's complete bullshit. It's too often a choice.

 I don't mean a choice to fail. I'm talking more about a failure to adapt or develop the skills for and recognition of how to make circumstances work for you. It's not a question of work ethic. It's a question of being a complete dumbass when it comes to how you handle life, its changes and finding ways to move forward. I know too many convinced they can do only one or two things.

 Sadly, some folks never see these adaptive skills demonstrated by others in Real Life. Or if they do, the lesson is ignored. They're also usually the same ones who believe they're always the smartest person in any room.

 This brings me back around to where I started -- dealing with change -- and whether the situation is by choice or it's made for us by health, circumstance or whatever. I think one of the best things we can do is all we can to get our heads settled on where, who and how we want to be. I can't think of any worse situation than reaching the end of life feeling out of place physically, emotionally and mentally. Settle those and I've learned pretty much everything else falls into place.

 Despite the hassles, this is why I'm so antici....pating an upcoming move. Ain't too late to get a new start.

"...they say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself..." -- Andy Warhol

 

 

 

"...two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe..." -- Albert Einstein

 We appear to be in a virtual Pandemic Of Stupid these days, evidenced from the top down. Sadly, this stupid too often manifests itself as cruelty in the guise of fascism and other maladies including out-and-out racism too few bother to even hide anymore. It's supported by the uneducated (advanced degrees seem to make little difference) and willingly ignorant, who are pretty easy to recognize.

 As in 1994's Dumb and Dumber, it's too often easy to make fun of all this. The Three Stooges made it their schtick a century ago, setting themselves up as "how stupid can you be?" then demonstrating. Where we start running into trouble is when this demonstration turns into 1) public policy and/or 2) (worse) behavior that can threaten family stability and future.

 Of course, we each have our own episodes and histories of (let's be honest here) Just Plain Stupid activities. Fortunately, time tends to be a very good teacher. Until it's not, and goes simply unrecognized by someone responsible (often with good intentions). Here's where things can get complicated in a hurry, as those standing around watching are hesitant to get involved for fear we might oh-fend someone. Mendacity can be suffocating.

 Too often, those most guilty believe they're the smartest people in the room. This makes them unreachable on nearly a daily basis, setting up unneeded obstacles that too often never go away. This is why any psychologist talks about the importance of boundaries. We need to establish and hold to them or risk getting sucked into a vortex not of our own choosing.

 It can be a daily battle best fought with diversion and focus on what positives we can find.

"...smart people learn from everything and everyone, average people from experiences. Stupid people already have all the answers..." -- Socrates (though some say Voltaire) 

 

 

"...a lot of people work to earn. And, while at it, they forget to learn..." -- John Joclebs Bassey

 I was reminded yesterday of the difference between working smarter and working harder. It's an old subject, the point of which is at once easy to see, yet too often missed.

 Of course, all of us could organize our thoughts better, improve efficiency, obtain better physical tools (they're glad to sell them to you at Lowes and Home Depot) and stop if only briefly to step back a minute. Right now this house, like so many, has a garage half-full (or more) of Just One More Thing To Accomplish Shit. Anymore, you can hire a company to show up and actually pay someone to haul away all this shit so we have room to replace it. "We gotta downsize!" but actually doing so proves a bigger challenge. My Dad gave me that, I might use this one day. Sometimes we actually do use it, thereby proving to ourselves we've worked smarter.

 Having downsized several times over the decades, I'm at the point where pretty much all I own really worth keeping can fit into a 1995 Ford F-150, which I don't have. At least physically, things are pared down about as tight as they'll go. But even those things are mostly curb-worthy. There's some (easily replaceable) artwork of several types, some clothing that largely begs another era and just enough hand and small power tools to completely screw up any chosen project.

 Yesterday's conversation reminded me a hard worker can at the same time be a lazyass. It's not a case of failure to put in hours or an inability to efficiently use our physical and/or intellectual tools. It's more a case of recognizing who we are and what we bring to that proverbial table as a reliable individual. This includes mental toughness and self-reliance -- two things that too often are lost or, one could argue, never develop. The lazyass usually recognizes but refuses to act. All is already lost anyway, so why try? Failure is now a habit.

 I wrote a few days ago about Thoreau, Emerson and transcendentalism. Self-reliance and awareness of surroundings, often by appreciating nature, are part of that. The tenents of physical labor and proper planning are useless without belief in self, if one throws up their hands or otherwise fails, through lack of personal examples, to recognize one's individual value.

 This can be confused with arrogance, that personal bluster too often seen these days as a hallmark of accomplishment. It asks why doesn't anyone recognize my genius? Actual reliable confidence is quiet, steady and easily recognized. The former is a useless parody. But sadder still is a failure to believe in one's worth. The reason is immaterial.

 We're each a bucket of simple tools, like the plastic pail at the top of this post. We're stained, a bit dirty and sometimes things get lost at the bottom until we dig around a bit and find what we need. We're not overcomplicated, or shouldn't be. We just have to remember what's in there.

"...we can make ourselves miserable or we can make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same..." -- Carlos Castaneda

"...if you do what you love, it is the best way to relax.." -- Christian Louboutin

 Delaroche actually did this painting in 1840, after Napoleon's death. But it's one of the most famous, along with the five versions of him crossing the Alps.

 The painting has always spoken to me as one depicting the sometime disgust and fatigue of Daily Life. Be it due to a job, having kids, car problems or whatever, we sometimes slouch into a chair, throw up our hands and say what the hell, even when we know sometimes it's our own damn fault.

 I've lately been observing and thinking about self-created problems that go unrecognized by those making them. There's the old line about insanity being a case of doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result. While there's something to be said for continued effort and repeated failure (Edison being one example), I tend to side with that great philosopher W.C. Fields, who said, "if at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No point in being a damn fool about it."

 Some folks are "poor me" individuals. They're always victims, a situation exhausting for themselves and those around them. It's largely learned behavior and a habit extremely difficult to break. I watch it almost daily, knowing one can't simply snap their fingers and be more happy. At least not without some pharmaceutical help.

 The antithesis to this is the person who's able to find enough good to work through whatever it is, see a way of dealing with the negatives and step past them. Just as misery can be self-imposed, so can positivity -- and I don't mean the kind that's just an act. This has been reinforced on me over the past year or so, particularly the past couple of months.

We can each create positives and negatives. I'm reminded it of it daily by both observation and experience. One of the things I've re-learned is how to set the boundaries I've talked about in earlier entries. It's not always pleasant but is a guarantor of moving forward.

 Happiness is a choice, but finding it ain't always easy.

"...the time to relax is when you don't have time for it..." -- Sidney J. Harris

 

 

"...surprise is the greatest gift which life can offer us..." -- Boris Pasternak

 This photo shows the inimitable Tom Shepard and me. The photo date says we had just turned two, with Tom being three days older. I've known him longer than anyone except one, and she's not on social media.

 This all popped into mind yesterday as I dove into some of Thoreau's writing. The latest Ken Burns documentary is about Thoreau and narrated by George Clooney. My plan is to watch it this weekend. While what I have on hand is an excerpt about walking (he did a lot of it), I'll also nail down complete copies of Walden and Civil Disobedience. They're but two examples of things we're told to read when we're 14, yet can't really begin to understand until we get to be about three times that. One doesn't have to be a parent (Thoreau wasn't) to get it, though my experience says that can speed it along.

 Thoreau and his buddy Emerson were pretty much the founders of transcendentalism, which was largely a reaction to the Age Of Reason. The older I've gotten (and luckily still get), the more I identify with its tenents of self-reliance, observing, admiring and learning from nature, the advantages of Time Alone and general evolution into being (hopefully) a more complete individual. You can toss some Stoicism into that, but it can inhibit the heart. That's a discussion best left to decent whiskey.

 The photo of Tom and me is a reminder of beginnings and how we change over time yet remain the same. Just as we have our varying collections of experience (his are vastly different than mine), we ultimately are left with ourselves and how we react to and otherwise handle Life Its Owndamnself. This can bring us closer to family, to friends or in some cases philosophies. My connection to family begins with my kids, but I think close friends such as Tom burnish who we are and become. We bounce all this off the various approaches (such as Thoreau's) and become Who We Are, at least at the time. This leads us to think we have shit all figured out.

  I call this my Age Of Conflict, as personal history and professional demands were often at cross purposes. Throw new parenthood into all this and the comparatively "easy" life of a 20something balls up pretty fast. We are at a stage in life when things can get real serious in a hurry. Thanks to Catherine for usually just rolling her eyes and putting up with multidirectional me, neither of us knowing just how complicated it'd get.

 Despite the mess it can be, most of us push through to a life with and around those we've learned to trust. This can include our oldest of friends and much newer ones. Our decision-making on who and what we hang with is much more honed. Or should be. Yes -- this is the kind of person I prefer as company and trust for advice if asked.

 Some never reach that point or are too late coming to it. Their internal assurance of their own correctness goes beyond being just stubborn (as we can all be) and into an arrogance based on active refusal to observe, listen to or otherwise face the measures of becoming A Responsible Adult. They've never faced consequences, but instead constantly reassured of their own perfect sense. While I'll rarely get political in this forum, this is our president.

 I've been lucky in that way, having faced consequences manifested today in personal, financial and physical challenges. Not that I'm any sort of sad puppy. More fortunate than most to Just Be Here and have friends/family I can trust and a place or two I can be to rediberate on it all.

 I was literally born your classic bastard, in an adoption home and never knowing either bioparent. But I'm a damn lucky one.

"...everything has been figured out, except how to live..." -- Jean-Paul Sartre

 

 

"...the greatest gift you can give your family are the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence..." -- Denis Waitley

 I have this shirt (different colors). I bought it for several reasons, not the least of which is to honor the attitude Canada has taken toward the current US administration. Virtually the entire Western World (and much of the rest) now has the same attitude and it's well-earned.

 We lived a short while in British Columbia, absorbing not only the local scenery but also the independence of the residents and their rightful insistence on not wanting to be confused with those from the United States (note I didn't say 'Americans,' since that encompasses an entire hemisphere). This is despite a 250-year history of close cooperation and common goals. It's indeed sad what's happened and I think much of the damage (at least in the feelings of Canadians I know) is irreconcilable.

 But this attitude also has other applications. Of course every family has its own dynamic and I think one term for mine would have to be "fiercely independent." While we're a unit, we're also five individuals who don't always see eye-to-eye. This isn't a negative thing but the elbows can indeed be sharp. Any conflicts are settled by those involved, not by attempted soothing of negativity by pater or materfamilia. Work it out. Or don't, if you can't.

 By the way, there's nothing lately going on (except my seeing this shirt in the drawer) that brings all this up. But our kids, their mom and I have each evolved with the same spirit. In my case, much of it comes from being an adopted, stuttering kid who (despite the best efforts of my wonderful adopted folks) never felt a part of things. Having kids is my first experience with genetics and what's passed on naturally, For different reasons, their mom is the same way and we've both encouraged our kids to stomp out their territory.

 One of the issues discussed in my therapy has been that of setting boundaries. This doesn't mean "my way or the highway." But there's a large gap between a strong request and actually being willing (usually out of self-preservation) to warn of and being entirely willing to impose results. It isn't an issue of pride. It's what has to be done to maintain self.

 Sadly, too many never learn this. It's particularly evident here in the South and in Texas (which is mostly not the South), where Just Getting Along is a valued and never-ending pursuit. When/if someone actually implies or (God help us) imposes response, it's seen as rude or even brutish. Hardly. It's where we said we'd be. It can be harsh, and we talked about it.

 All this can turn a family into what sometimes appears to be a bickering collection of don't-agrees. Frankly, rather that than being steamrolled into unwilling cooperation or (worse) running for protection. Fix it yourself. We've given you the tools and the instruction. It's up to you to use them.

  Nothing makes a parent more proud than to see this in their own kids and watching them pass it along.

"...independence is happiness..." -- Susan B. Anthony

 

"...we've all forgotten how to be original..." -- Peter Jackson

 I hope this guy's okay. Never actually met him, but he's stayed with me. Some folks are like that.

 When we returned from Europe, we spent a coupla months in a marginal apartment on First Street, on the edge of downtown Ft. Worth. It was in a two-story building and our second-floor, 1/1 flat needed, shall we say, some work. The hot water heater was bumped up against the fridge, so you couldn't open the door much past about halfway. The badly thinning carpet appeared to have been laid during the Carter administration. But we figured what the hell -- it's temporary until we could get back in the house and figure out what and where's next.

 Of course this is before our health issues became apparent and attention had to be turned elsewhere and still is. It's also before we had to start discussion of maybe a new living situation because it has become clear the old one won't work anymore. Looking back, I think we should have just remained at Ripped Carpet Arms for a coupla more months. But, well....

 Through it all was a guy who sat out on the front steps of the building, nursing Luckies and sometimes a beer. One afternoon I'd gone for a walk and returned to find his half-pack of smokes on the ground. I put it up on the railing so it wouldn't be stepped on or kicked to the flower bed.

 We never got a chance to talk but it was clear to me I missed a chance to meet An Original. I wrote last week about being yourself, which is certainly important, but it's quite another to be An Original. There are no copies, sequels or successful imitators. Just  Being Yourself can, in some folks, bring a brashness of "I'ma be myself no matter what. It's just Who/What I am baby, so get used to it."

 An Original doesn't need that. He/she is more observer than participant, though actually taking part in something is certainly on the table. It's why there are park benches, trails off a beaten path and other places to otherwise rediberate.

 "Rediberate" is my dad's invented word for ruminating and otherwise reflecting. I'd call his office and ask what's up and he'd say, "Oh, I dunno. Just sitting here rediberating." I own the Facebook page for the word and I need to crank it back up. Too many don't know what to call it when that's exactly what they're doing. Another indication of being An Original.

 We all know people who never seem to find themselves or learn how to work depth into daily life. They do what they're told, follow a prescribed path or otherwise fail to put themselves Out There in one form or another. It's too difficult, too risky or otherwise too scary. Or they become completely inflexible,  convinced their path is the only True Calling. I deal with one daily. But asked what he'd really like to actually do with his middle-aged life, his response would be either "I dunno" or something that would take more work than he's willing to actually do. So he does nothing, and work ethic has nothing to do with it. It's a lack of self-imposed direction.

 I've been fortunate enough to reinvent myself about four times over several careers. Believe me, I'd have a lot more money in the bank had I stuck with just one thing. But I've spent a lot of time sitting on those front steps, smoking (figurative) Luckies and sipping on (for me) a whiskey. There's definitely a price, and in my case these days it's physical but well-earned.

 Sure, I'm myself and comfortable in that skin. I can be as Out There as anyone and sometimes I am.

 But the best days are spent reflecting and rediberating. Find or create your own space to be An Original.

"...I think people are afraid to be original..." -- Orson Bean